When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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