I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
We are all done wearing pants today
did i just pee glitter
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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