the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
