Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
