My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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