On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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