Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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