Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
