Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I can't put those talents on a resume
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
