I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
So. Much. Porn.
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