Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
