Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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