i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
