someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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