my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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