If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
