lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
