I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
