After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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