We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
