That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
