Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
