During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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