Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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