Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
