He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize