What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Randomize
