textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
