Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
