Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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