I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
