we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My vagina is officially offended.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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