ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Randomize
