How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm really busy with my period
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