I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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