Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
babies were throwing up all over the place
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
