nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
