Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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