Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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