Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
It's blow job season.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
