I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
