Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Randomize
