she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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