Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
