she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
