I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Randomize
