Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
