I just pynch a tree in the face
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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