Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
