I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
