i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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