if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
