i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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