You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
