Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
