Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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