i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
